But Maybe Not.

013.

How strange of you to hit me up tell me you miss me and then ask if I really don’t want to be with you. Then later after we argue and I say so what then you said well I already left you. What the fuck was the point of hitting me up and confusing me and ruining my whole day like this for nothing? What did you get out of it? Seriously. 

I just fucking hate this confusion. I. Fucking. Hate. It.

012.

How am I to feel after what happened last night with two of my really good friends? I don’t understand how its supposed to be now. 

One person tells me that if I ever want the dick I should just hit him up? I told you straight up that I don’t see you like that and that you are JUST my friend. I see you as my fucking brother. That grossed me out so much…

Then his brother tells me that hes always liked me, omfg where is all this bullshit coming from? I hate it. Don’t make things complicated for me anyway. I hate it.

011.

I thought today would be a breaking down point for me. Nope, not yet. Or I’m hoping not ever. I mean it when I tell my friends I’m okay. I think they are worried… I haven’t shown much emotion towards it. But what can I say, I’m so used to it. Feeling like someone has failed me is second nature now and I live with it. I just brush it off and do me. You don’t love me? Fine I can love myself. You don’t appreciate me? I can do that too. 

At the end of the night, all I can think about is you. But.. this will fade. I know it, people who hurt me will never last in my heart. I was special and I know that and you will learn that when it’s too late. I promise you.

010.

Here we go again, you justifying being wrong and hurtful with my faults. I may mess up sometimes and I may do dumb things every now and then. But fuck that, I am not perfect but I am perfect to me. I am strong, and I am a fighter. There has not been a moment in my mind where I’m not fighting everything in my life. I’m not saying this for some pity party, I just want to remind myself that there is not a moment that made me weak in my life. Regardless of what I went through. I can fall, and I can stand the fuck up. Like my mom said, she is strong and I am her first born girl. I need to be just like her. I need to hold it together for her. 

You fucking treat me like this because I hung up on you and went to the club. Fuck yeah I did go to the fucking club because I wanted to do something to make me feel better. Who tells their girlfriend they’re going to treat them better and care more. And doesn’t? You tell me I wasn’t there for you? FOR ONCE I DIDN’T WANT TO BE THERE FOR SOMEONE WHO DIDN’T APPRECIATE ME ENOUGH. I’m so tired of everyone expecting so much shit out of me in friendships/relationships/family relations everything! I’m so fucking sick of it. There is so much I can fucking take from all of you and I swear to god I’m at it. I’m really done giving a fuck anymore.

That’s bullshit! You said I wasn’t there for me and bitched at me cause you needed me. Out of all the times that you’ve needed me. I was there 99.99% there was never a moment where I abandoned you. But I need to be cared for too and I’m tired of saying this shit. When your own mother treated you like shit, who was there for you 100%? Who kept encouraging you? I lost my job because I wanted to be there for you! I got kicked out of my home TWICE because I wanted to be with YOU. Don’t act like your doing me any motherfucking favors because I swear to god 100% of the times I needed you and begged for it. YOU DIDN’T EVEN GIVE ME THE TIME OF FUCKING DAY. SO FUCK YOU!

Also for you to tell me that I cannot compare things because fuckin right I fucking can. You compare shit when it’s totally uneven. You yourself fucking know that you treated me so fucking bad and I’ve never intentionally hurt you on purpose. EVER. I am very honest with you and very trustworthy. I am a damned good fucking girlfriend and for you to tell me all those fucking things sets me off really. Actually now it just makes me hate you that much more. The fucking audacity you have to hurt me for wanting to love myself. If you want, leave. Cause I swear, you will NEVER find a girl that can put up with your shit like I can. Thats a damned fucking fact. If everyone knew the shit you put me through for 5 fucking years they would know. They would fucking know NO fucking bitch would deal with it like me without getting revenge and hurting you JUST the same. I would NEVER intentionally hurt you or cheat on you. That is beneath me. I don’t hurt people just because I am hurt. No, I am not a low human being like that. But on the other hand… look in the mirror Viviann.

I am not selfish, I am NOT unfair. I apologize when I know I’m wrong and my apologies are ALWAYS sincere. I apologize and after I do. We never have the same problem ever again, you know why? Because I make sure that if I am going to apologize to someone. I better be damned sure not to do it again. This is fucking ridiculous, I lost sight of my worth once again. I lost sight of who I am and what a good fucking person I am. 

I am not the best looking or the skinniest prissiest bitch out there. But I am a kind, honest and loyal person. I love with my all and I love hard. I expect nothing in return and I just want love and care. I don’t cheat and I don’t lie. I don’t hurt people and I don’t treat people unkindly. I am a great person and I love me. If you don’t FINE. There are plenty of people who can take your place. I don’t need a relationship. I need my damned self.

009.

Yesterday was our 29 months. Or I guess it would have been. And today is Christmas and all I feel is lonely. Inside I no longer feel happy. What is going on today I was doing fine. Now I just feel tired and I want to cry from holding it in for so long. Why do I feel this way? Maybe cause I don’t think you even love me anymore. You keep reblogging these stupid things hinting at me to hold on to you. When it should be you. You let me go. You pushed me away. You hurt me so much.

008.

My mom looked at me today, and just asked me if I was really sad. I said no, but I guess I’m lying to her. I just want her to stop talking about it.. and for me to stop feeling it.

Closure

theangrytherapist:

Many believe they need to close a chapter before opening a new one.  They see closure as a cleansing, a washing away, and they don’t allow themselves to move on until what is preventing them from moving on has completely dissolved.  But if that’s the case, wouldn’t closure stunt growth?  Not allowing yourself to push forward until you have let go of the past becomes a damn, a missed fallen domino piece, quicksand.  According to this definition, closure will keep you closed. 

I believe closure is having the ability to transition, walking after that crippling event or relationship.  Closure then is courage.  Closure is not allowing what happened to have power over you, determine who you are, or how you want to live your life.  That piece of your story contributed to your journey.  It is polish.  Not tarnish.  Closure doesn’t have to mean forgetting about or erasing memories. 

The events that have happened to us, the relationships we have been through, they are valuable.  To hope they didn’t happen or push them away is not closure.  That is denial.  Closure means to accept, learn from, but most importantly begin again.  Closure means to walk and it is a bridge, not a door.

- Angry

007.

I cried once yesterday.. then it all stopped. Now I am tearing up as I look at the picture. Where is my baby…